No one reads these anyway, so I’m just going to write about everything that’s currently running through my mind. I don’t feel like doing anything today. I even skipped church. My heart feels like it keeps sinking into my stomach. I’ve been silently crying to myself since last night. I finally got some sleep but I woke up at 4am. I went to the bathroom and did a stupid thing that involved my neck and a wire. I ended up passing out instead. Words really do kill or could’ve killed in my case. I feel worthless. I feel alone. I feel sick to my stomach. I keep praying and praying but I feel like God is sick of me, because all of the stupid things I’ve done. I want to runaway. I want to go somewhere far, far enough where no one knows me, where no one knows about what I’ve been though. Somewhere I can pretend that I’m actually normal. I feel like I’m always being criticized for my flaws. Well, guess what.. I do have a bad temper. I can have an attitude at times. I’m a bossy person, I like to be in control. I’m a perfectionist. I have a low self esteem. I’m a fighter, I always have been. I have such a big heart, but no one notices because I have a huge wall around it. I let one person break it down once, but soon enough.. it started building itself all over again. I like reading books. I want a perfect “beach body”, but I have an ugly tan, I’m too lazy to exercise, and I love junk food too much. I honestly don’t think I’m pretty. At times, I feel like I suffer from depression. I wish I can turn back time and redo every single thing. I wish I never met him, honestly. I’ve never met anyone who can hurt me until my heart literally feels broken, yet can make me feel so loved and gives me that sense of protection. I wish I could start yesterday over again. I don’t understand why this even happened in the first place. I feel unworthy of everything that I have or anyone that I’ve met. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anything. If I died at any moment, I honestly don’t think I would go to heaven because I’m a terrible person and my Walk hasn’t been as straight as I want it to be. I know that I’m a lukewarm Christian. In this world that we live in, I honestly think that 1/8 out of 10 people would go to heaven, if that even makes sense. It’s hard to live up to those expectations and it’s hard to prevent sin from happening or even going through your mind. I’m sorry for disrespecting his parents. I understand that it’s their house, but I couldn’t even get a word in and I’m always seen as the bad guy anyway. Ever since that argument when I gave back his things, I never really saw myself as his girlfriend anymore. He never understood that I was actually broken from the words that he said. Even though we promised each other to keep trying, it didn’t really mean anything to me anymore. I honestly felt betrayed and ever since then. I felt like I needed to protect myself from him. I felt like I needed that “I don’t care” attitude, but that attitude obviously made things worse. I sort of feel relieved that we’re not together. I feel like I wasted so much time and energy being with him. I feel like I wasted my high school experience dealing with all of the crap I’ve gone through. I say all of these things, but in the back of my mind, I don’t think I mean them. I have so much love for him but I don’t think I can take being hurt anymore. I care about him so much and I was honestly scared when he hit the wall yesterday. I was scared because I’ve seen it before from my dad and my brother and I didn’t want to relive those memories. I’m just so angry at myself for letting someone in. I feel like I can’t show my face at his house anymore for all of the things I’ve done. I feel so ashamed. I wish my Nanay was here, she’d know exactly what to say. Another regret that I’m constantly reminded of. I wish that there was some way I could delete the memory from my brain, so I wouldn’t have to constantly feel like this anymore. I feel like throwing up. I just want these feelings to be over with already, so I can pick myself up and start over again. Like I always do, like I will continue to keep doing until the day my life is taken from me. I just want to be happy again.

Hello, my beautiful followers. I know I’ve been MIA for a while, I’ve been seriously busy and I’m trying not to spend too much time on the computer. If you have any prayer requests or just someone to talk to, I’m here. Just send me a message and I promise I’ll reply as soon as possible. I hope everyone is having a great Monday and I pray for a blessed week for everyone. God Bless you guys.